I'm living a b, mundane and meaningless life?

Simple, get professional help. I really do admire your choice of words as they are definite and brute. This cycle going on and on, when it can be stopped. Fix it yourself, or let it fix itself, but probably for worse. Comes down on your choices, but never take your own life. Indeed after much thought I have learned that suicide is the worst decision you will ever make. Why die for your beliefs? Why not actually help other people rather than dying for their selfish ideals of being worshiped as a martyr? Who are they really helping? No one, more hatred shall be brought upon others because of their death. Be positively proactive.